From Rugs to Riches - A Cat's Tale

From Rugs To Riches

The Persian Conquest

Due to an unexpected heat wave (Bob’s air-conditioners breaking down), this was almost the battle that never was – in fact for Whathisgases this was a battle that never was, as he failed to muster the courage to appear on the field!

It was a hot day. The sun beat down and the heat shimmered around the small Parthian hilltop town of Injured-Elbow. The glorious Sassanids, in their hunt for revenge had tracked the craven Parthian leader to this isolated settlement deep in the Parthian territory, only to find that the faint-hearted Whatshisgases had already bolted, abandoning his troops to the fury of Persia. The Parthians had chosen their ground well with flanks secured by marshland and rich lemon orchards – the fruit coincidentally matching the colour of the Parthian tyrant’s back!

With the fortified town in the centre of the battlefield the Parthians deployed with their heavy horse to our right. To our left, the Saka ally and other horse archers. The bulk of the Asavaran were deployed to our right with the fearless Sabir ally, Bobzilla, facing the Parthian cataphracts. Our left flank was guarded by the multitude of levies that had followed to watch the spectacle of Persia’s dominance.

With that the battle commenced. The parade ground precision and elegance of the Asavaran stunned the weak-hearted Saka, who watched in awe and despair as Persia’s finest coolly formed up and sped like the desert wind along the road to form up on the left flank. This was all too much for the Saka. Their initial thought was to emulate their Parthian lord and turn tail!

The Parthian general, in seeing this, showed his metal and quickly rallied them. It was now the Parthians turn to manouvre. Splitting their cataphracts, they began their advance which would eventually lead them to either side of Injured-Elbow.

As the Parthians advanced, the courageous Bobzilla was unperturbed and held his ground (only having 3 pips for the first 2 turns may have influenced this). The Sassanid sub general moved up to support him as the Parthians filled the hole left by their cataphracts with their infamous horse archers (rumour has it that one should not get too close behind them as they flee, as they are famed for giving one last act of defiance (or fear) as they run away, commonly known as the ‘Parthian Shit’).

As the Parthians moved closer on our right, the Asavaran lined up on our left. The Sabir saw an opportunity and a small force rushed out to the right to encircle the horse archers that had moved towards the centre. The shiver of fear that went through the Parthian ranks was clearly audible! In an act of desperation, after revealing the ineffectual elephant ambush, the Parthians rushed in to lure the Persian general into combat and to attack the Sabir. Being a true warrior (unlike the deserter Whatshisgases), our valiant subordinate moved In for the kill and supported by the Asavaran and Sabir horsemen, dispatched the enemy general in one swift stroke. Again the groan of the Parthians was heard rippling across the field of battle. Although the Parthians fought back with some courage, their effect on the Sabir was minimal. The élan of our Persian heroes, brave as it was, left them somewhat exposed, and now the Parthians sought revenge by moving their elephants into contact and attacking the Sabir in the rear – reminding us of the Greeks of old! Now the battle moved ever towards its hard-fought-for and gory crescendo.

Our valiant sub general fought bravely, repelling the elephants, even when simultaneously attacked in the rear – much to the chagrin of the pusillanimous Parthians.

Lo, another Parthian general, fully armoured and mounted on a fine steed (which we are certain he mounted from behind) had moved away from his retinue (the other catphracts were hugging the hill of Injured-Elbow and were more than reluctant to press forward) and found himself alone and exposed. He was not alone for very long!

The cheers and whoops of the Persian light horse rang across the battlefield as they supported the charge of the dauntless Asavaran. The light horse swooped onto the flank, the Asavaran charge was fierce, and another Parthian general was lost – the commander in chief – brave substitute for a lily-livered king!

Alas, but soon it was the Persian’s turn to groan. Our resolute hero, pride of Persia, was flanked again and this time, he fell. But there was no time to mourn the fallen. Meanwhile on the left flank, the main force of the Savaran had charged the hordes on their flank. Bravely the peasants of Parthia fought, putting the ineffectuality of their masters to light, and repelling the first charge of heavy cavalry as the cataphracts of their nobles came forward and were easily repulsed. However, the glory of the hordes was short lived and the fine horsemen of Persia began to ride them down.

Desperation was coming to both sides. The Parthians, massing around the base of Injured-Elbow were surrounded. Two of their commands had crumbled. Two of their generals lay slain.  Likewise, the Sassanids had lost two generals and two commands. It was now or never.

Seeing his chance for glory, Nashur II moved in to support the attack of the Asavaran as they chased down the Indo-Parthian light horse. In doing so, he moved within range of the cataphract general. The Parthian could not resist. He came thundering forward, charged home and slew our illustrious leader! But stay those tears. Mourn not for Nashur II. By giving his life he drew the enemy general out of his ranks and deep into the arms of the noble Asavarn. Seeing the glorious sacrifice of their king and calling the name of the hear apparent, they surrounded the hapless Parthian and ground him into the dust!

And thus, under the shadow of Injured-Elbow, the Parthians were defeated. A bloodier battle there never was. A more righteous victory has never been more deserved. A sacrifice more noble has never been given!

All hail Nashur III, King of Kings, Lord of Decorative Floor Coverings, Groomer of Fluffy Cats, Founder of the Rugpus Dynasty. Long may his reign shine his light upon us.